“It’s like the fire in me went out, like the passion in my heart died. Like I was running at an incredible rate and a wall went up in front of me and I crashed, but didn’t get back up.” I was trying to explain to my counselor what I had felt for the last few years when it came to my relationship with Jesus. We had been working on inner healing for close to a year that day, countless tears had fallen, many moments of repentance and forgiveness had passed and lifted, but still, my heart lived in the dark.
The Holy Spirit has a funny way of leading us through our sessions. We could start to go in a direction we think we need to go in, but He brings us where He wants to, no matter what. On this particular day though, I was feeling beyond heartbroken. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t feel connected to God, I couldn’t understand why the moments of feeling healed couldn’t carry me past the door to the counseling room. I couldn’t understand why I was still looking at the world around me in such despair. We did what we did best, we prayed.
In the most loving way possible, He brought to light a time in my life that took place during the first part of my relationship with my husband. Shortly after we had started dating, a struggle between us came to light where I had to ask God two really big questions. “Do we continue this relationship and work through the hurt? Do I trust that even though this setback happened, that you put us together?” His answer was clear, one of the loudest answers I’ve ever heard. “Yes, trust me with this.”
While I had moments during this time and thereafter of operating out of my flesh, I truly felt like I had followed God’s answer. It took us awhile and we struggled at times, but we learned to communicate better about the struggle and what we needed to do to make sure the other person felt loved, trusted, and safe. So, what does this have to do with the fire for God going out?
I was a fairly new believer when we started our dating relationship, so when this struggle came up, I really had a newfound passion for Jesus. I was in Bible Study, I was reading the Word every day, I was praying every chance I got, I was looking for opportunities to serve others, I was making lifestyle changes (not all at once, but with baby steps). I was doing everything I thought I should be doing. So, if I was doing this Christian thing right, why wasn’t this easy? I had a preconceived idea that since I was a Christian, I’d never feel hurt again.
I walked away from the struggle, not with a grudge against my husband, but with a grudge against God.
Now, four years later, He revealed the truth about what was in my heart. Not in my time, no. In His perfect time. The Holy Spirit really used my prayer minister that day to reveal that I had walked away from that time in my life with the decision that I have carried with me: “God is not half as good as He says He is, and He really can’t be trusted.” Did I still walk the walk, talk the talk, and believe in God like I wasn’t thinking this way? You betcha, but I did everything with only one foot in, with the enemy’s veil over my eyes.
It was like saying yes to Jesus, but expecting the enemy to win.
Was I fully aware that this was my attitude? Not fully, no. As a result, I couldn’t deal with life changes very well. I couldn’t deal with hardships in a healthy way. I couldn’t see everyone wasn’t actually out to get me. I couldn’t see that my husband is truly one of my greatest gifts. I couldn’t see that God ALWAYS has my best interest at heart, and He is all knowing. Worst of all, I couldn’t see that God had open arms, ready to embrace me and wipe away my tears, always ready to help.
I had the privilege of repenting that day. I got to pour my heart out to Jesus all over again. I was able to let that devastating moment in my life get put to death at the foot of the cross. I was finally at a point in my life again, where I could accept the truth, which is that God is more wonderful than we could ever imagine, and that trusting Him is the only way we will EVER live a peaceful life.
Without that day in counseling, with a prayer minister by my side, encouraging me, letting the Holy Spirit flow through her, I don’t know that my human flesh would have allowed God’s truth to be revealed. I was living this life confused, with the want for Jesus, but so blinded by the enemy and his sneaky ways, that the path back to the Truth seemed lost. I hadn’t noticed that the enemy was the reason I felt so alone. I didn’t have an awareness that I lived life with hesitation.
Have I arrived at my best self? Heavens no, I am always a work in progress. We all are. But I look forward to every single day now. I look forward to the inner healing that is still to come. I look forward to seeing what Jesus has in store for me and my family. I look forward to every single interaction I have with the people that God brings across my path. I feel passion behind the prayers I send up and hope in the answers that come down.
The fire has been lit.
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